FIVE THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU ARE FEELING SMALL

The inspiration for my blog this month comes from an Instagram post.

There is a woman who writes inspiring quotes in chalk on various LA sidewalks and then posts them under the handle @sidewalkwoke. When I catch one that really resonates, I repost it. She wrote one the other day that I just love. Written in yellow chalk in clear bold letters on Santa Monica and Highland, she proclaimed: “I hope you know that you matter.”

What a quote, no?? It is something I say to every one of my clients in my hypnotherapy sessions so they can really take that in. When in hypnosis, we are much better able to take in positive suggestions and empowering ideas. Not only do I say it to my clients, but I have said it to myself in my own self-hypnosis sessions.

First of all, DO you know that you matter?? It is not difficult to get to the place where you feel… inconsequential. It is a pretty crappy feeling, we have definitely all been there: when you’ve worked so hard and it seems like no one is noticing; when you feel rejected; when you feel like you aren’t being seen or heard, or maybe when someone important has forgotten your birthday, etcetera.

The question is, what do you do when you feel like that? Do you get upset? Bury it in a couple glasses of wine? Tell yourself that you suck? All of the above??

How's that working for you?

My assertion here is that if you make a habit out of responding to these kinds of situations in different ways, you will find that you will spend less time feeling insignificant.

So, here are a few things that you can do when you have marinated long enough in your feelings of being not enough:

1. Close your eyes and take a few nice, deep breaths. (Chances are, you haven’t been doing that.) What I like to do is imagine I am inhaling a very steadying, peaceful color or light and exhaling a darkness. I love a golden, sunflower yellow. For me, that is a very calming color. Maybe for you it’s turquoise or lavender. Whatever it is, close your eyes and breathe in your peaceful color deeply through your nose and imagine it filling you up, hold it at the top for a moment, and then exhale through your lips, and imagine any crappy feelings being exhaled as a grey or black smoke. Do that 3 times, and notice that you feel better.

2. Don’t take it personally. While your eyes are still closed, get a picture in your mind of yourself as tiny baby. Look at that baby, who is so beautiful and so worthwhile. Recognize that your worth as that baby has not changed since the day you were born. Whatever anyone has done that has you feeling unimportant, know that is has literally nothing to do with you. Your worthiness is as high as it has always been.

3. Get a hug from someone and let it in. Make it last at least 45 seconds. It can also be a child or a pet. Seriously, this totally works.

4. Think of what your grandmother would say to you in that moment. Or anyone who is kind and who loves you. Lean into that.

5. My favorite one: Take control of your thoughts and allow your mind to be encouraging. Whatever you wish that person had said to you, say it to yourself. The most important words you will ever hear are the words you say to yourself. If you need reassurance, validation or acceptance, get it from you. Be kind to yourself in those moments, that is the most powerful thing you can do because it will build your self-esteem so that you can grow instead of wither. Tell yourself you did a great job. Tell yourself you are beautiful and charming and smart and funny. Tell yourself that you have purpose here and everything is going to be all right.

And tell yourself that you matter. Because you do.

Find Your Life’s Purpose By Doing What You Love

We spend a lot of time working in this country. Actually, we spend 90,000 hours of our lifetimes working. According to the International Labor Organization, we outwork the Japanese by 137 hours per year, the British by 260 hours per year and the French by 599 hours per year, as stated here.

This recent article in Forbes states that 53% of Americans are unhappy at work, as reported by The Conference Board. In addition, according to a chief scientist at Gallup, 51% of the 100 million people working full time in this country feel no connection to their jobs and 16% are actively resentful of their jobs, meaning they “tend to gripe about it to co-workers and reduce office morale as a result.”

That is a lot of people who haven’t found their purpose in life.

It is a pretty big deal to have a fulfilled life. One of the ways to have a fulfilled life is by feeling like we are living up to our potential. Why? Because we like ourselves more! And if we like ourselves more, we will have more confidence and higher self-esteem. And if we have more confidence and higher self-esteem, we will be kinder to ourselves. And if we are kinder to ourselves, we would be kinder to others. And if we are kinder to others, the world will be a better place for us all to live.  If we are working a job we have no passion for or an absolute disdain for, there goes world peace!

Just kidding. Sort of.

My question is, aren’t we supposed to be making the most of the lives we are given? I think so! Life is a gift! But it doesn’t always feel like it when we spend 1/3 of our lives not doing what we love.

Here are 3 steps to help you figure out what your life’s purpose is:

 1.     Understand that you have purpose here. We all have a reason we are here and have something valuable to contribute. It isn’t always falling in love, getting married and having kids. There are some who find gratification in that, there are some who aren’t looking for that, and others still who thought that marriage and kids would fulfill them, but have found themselves dissatisfied and wanting more.

 2.     Think of one thing you are good at and that you love to do. What would you do, even if it were for free? We really only have to be good at one thing. If you are drawing a blank, think back to when you were between the ages of 7 and 14, a time when you were developing your interests and figuring out who you were as a person. For instance, when I was a kid, I remember being asked which superpower I would rather have: flying or being invisible? However, my answer was ‘reading minds.’ I wanted to know why people did the things they did. Cut to me later in life as an actor breaking down characters and “turning psychology into behavior,” as my revered first acting teacher in NYC described it. Then, cut to me later in life as a hypnotherapist getting to the root of my clients’ behaviors and helping them to have better lives. Think back to what kinds of things fascinated you when you were young and remember why they peaked your interest the way they did.

 3.     Figure out a way to make money doing what you love. Sometimes it isn’t so obvious. This step may require some flexibility and imagination on your part. 

Let’s say, for example, deep down you always wanted to be a doctor. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to go through the many years of schooling and training at this point in your life. So, ask yourself, “what it is about being a doctor that makes me want to do it?”

Perhaps the answer is that you love the idea of helping people heal. There are a number of careers that require less time to qualify for that you could do that involves healing people, like a nurse, an energy worker, any of the specialties in the medical field, or hey, a hypnotherapist! You can find something within the realm of what you wanted to do as a child that would still encompass the reason you wanted to do it. You would be surprised at what you can find fulfillment doing.

If you are feeling unsatisfied with your current job, think about finding a way to do what you love, even if it is a side hustle. Sometimes amazing things come out of side hustles! It may feel like a risk, but if you do what you’ve always done, you get what you’ve always got. Plus, we spend so much time at work, it only makes sense to find a way to do what you love.

Maybe it’s time to shake things up a bit.

Think Like A Baby To Regain Your Self-Esteem

When we have low self-esteem or low confidence, it is because we have forgotten who we really are.

Picture this:

A newborn baby girl has a dirty diaper at 3 in the morning. She is uncomfortable, so she cries her loudest until someone comes to help her to feel comfortable again. She isn’t wondering whether or not she is worthy of someone getting up at 3am to come and take care of her, she intrinsically knows she’s worth it and it doesn’t occur to her to question it.

If you think about it, babies get cooed at and tickled and fawned over by people and they just soak it up. They don’t feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. They stare right back. They don’t wonder why these insidious people are looking at them and what they really want. Babies just lap it up! Why? Because nothing has ever happened that has told them they don’t deserve the admiration and attention.

However, as time goes on, we begin experiencing the difficulties of growing up and figuring out this thing called Life. We started out as a beautiful, innocent, confident creature and then at some point, we were exposed to people and behaviors that left us feeling diminished, disheartened and scared. Maybe it came from our parents, or a sibling, a teacher, friends or a bully at school, but for most of us, someone at some point planted our first seeds of self-doubt and unworthiness, which led to most of us having to contend with that negative voice in our heads that says things like, “You’re never going to make it,” or “You’re an idiot,” or “How could you say something so stupid?” or “You suck,” etcetera. And speaking to ourselves this way can become a habit, which leads to many of us feeling bad about ourselves in some way.

Most parents don’t wake up in the morning wanting to screw up their kids, but nonetheless, when we are not given the proper love and attention we need growing up, we are more likely to become adults with anxiety or depression, addiction problems or even suicidal feelings, according to Darcia Narvaez, Ph.D.

So, what are we supposed to do to feel better, you may be wondering? We can’t go back to the way we were as babies, obviously.

Actually, that is not altogether true. Much in the same way that trauma can be stored in the body, our minds and bodies have also stored what it is to be confident and have high self-esteem. Deep within our subconscious, we remember how to feel good about ourselves. It’s actually in our original coding, therefore, what we believed about ourselves as babies is still true. Our worthiness has remained in tact, whether we realize it or not.

What you believed about yourself as a baby is still true. Your worthiness has remained the same, whether you realize it or not.

Pull up a picture in your mind of yourself as a baby: innocent, beautiful and confident. In reality, you are absolutely the same gorgeous soul you were when you were born, before you had the harsh life experiences that caused you to question your significance in this world.

So, the next time you start talking to yourself with that hurtful and discouraging voice, have compassion for yourself and remember who you are. Just because that voice says something, doesn’t make it true. It comes from beliefs you picked up along the way when you were growing up. It's ok that you are aren’t perfect. Who you are, flaws and all, is your strength. Decide to have a compassionate inner voice. Reverse anything discouraging that it says to you. Be kind to yourself.

We are all born with an innate sense of self-worth and confidence. Don’t forget who you are.

Think like a baby.

A Culture of Comparison

Social media can be a beast.

Studies have found that the more social media we use, the more our rates of anxiety and depression rise. Unfortunately, for many of us, using social media platforms intensifies feelings of “not enough-ness,” lowering our self-worth. Furthermore, the more social media platforms you are on, the more depressed and anxious you can become, according to several studies, including this one.

With the rise of Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, etc, it can be difficult not to feel inadequate and unfulfilled as we scroll through our feeds comparing our lives with the posts of people having so many seemingly perfect moments: Selfies of smiling people, kids laughing/being cute, amazing food, exotic vacations, adorable animals, couples in love, etc. We see it all the time!

It can be hard to remember as we scroll through these immortalized moments, hypnotized by the photos, colors and videos that that is exactly what they are: Moments. Smiling doesn’t always mean happy, those kids are not always laughing and being cute, that food could have been mediocre, they may have been fighting that whole vacation, that dog could actually be a little hellion and that couple could be on the verge of divorce!  Who knows?! Not that we should be wishing that on anyone, but you know what I am saying.

We can’t assume that what people post is an accurate depiction of their lives and we must remember that everyone is living life with all the ups and downs that come with being a human being. People are going through all sorts of things that they are probably not going to be posting on social media.

Getting stuck in Comparison Land is and focusing on what we don’t have leads us to be distracted from all the blessings and good things we do have happening in our lives. If we stay focused on being grateful for what we have instead of honing in on and feeling bad about what we don’t have, that is a BIG step toward finding more joy and confidence. And moving through life with more joy and confidence leads to a lighter, brighter and more peaceful mind. Doesn’t that sound great?!

You can decide to be thankful and create more special moments for yourself instead of sinking into the unproductive “why me?” or “why not me?” space.

So maybe lay off the social media a bit. Or, when you’re on it, remember that the photos and videos are just brief moments in time that don’t tell the whole story.

Everyone has 1440 minutes in a day and 525,600 minutes (thank you, Rent) in a year. How you want to feel in those minutes is really up to you.

Hypnotherapy To Change Your Thoughts and Change Your Life

One thing is abundantly clear to me as a hypnotherapist: the mind is the most powerful asset we have. Though it may not seem like it, we are actively thinking in each moment, subconsciously deciding how to feel about what is happening around us. How we choose to use our minds helps us or hurts us, depending on how we interpret the various situations we are in.

Our minds communicate our thoughts, which indicate our beliefs, and our beliefs determine our behavior: whether we have creative blocks, how much confidence we have in who we are and what we have to offer, how we operate, etc.

When my artistic clients book hypnotherapy sessions with me because they are struggling, one thing that always comes up is negative thinking. Whether I am working with an actor, a writer, a director, comedian, dancer or musician, there is a judgmental inner-voice that is overly critical of so much that they say and do. It is such personal work when you are a creative person operating in a business because you and your work will be judged and it is hard not to equate what other people think to your value. It can really knock your self-confidence for a loop, even if your work is well received because if your state of mind hinges on other's opinions of you or your work, it can create anxiety and negativity in your mind.

When your mind is regularly generating anxious or negative thoughts, so too, then, are our lives inundated by anxiety and negativity. Having these kinds of thoughts comes from low self-esteem. Low self-esteem can lead to things like constantly having conflicts with people, feeling blocked, jealous, hopeless, jaded, overwhelmed, losing the sense of truth in your work, or just consistently struggling in your day-to-day. Working in a creative field is so much harder when your mind is operating in this way.

Can you think of an event in your life or career when you wished you had come from a place of calmness and confidence?? Yeah, so can I. Our happiness, success and relationships are significantly affected by our thinking. Negative thought patterns even make it difficult for us to enjoy the good things when they happen, because we are too focused on the things that aren't going the way we wish they would to enjoy other successes along the way. It sucks!

So, what can we do about this? Well, we need to create more self–compassion and self-love. We need to forgive ourselves for any real or imagined mistakes, release any grudges and we need to create an inner-voice that is supportive and more kind.

If we are kinder to ourselves, we are kinder to other people, then everybody is happier!

Hypnotherapy is a very effective way to do this.

When in hypnosis, it is similar to being in a meditative state. We can slow down our brain waves and quiet that endless chatter that is running through our minds every day. When the chatter is stilled, we can connect to the very best part of ourselves, our highest self. The root of the negative thinking is addressed with very specific language, called NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), which leads us to a new, empowered understanding of who we are and what our worth is, thereby establishing that kinder inner-voice. Our minds can be re-wired to interpret past and present events in a more confident way, contributing to a more positive mind, leading to feeling a sense of a flow in our lives and in our work.

Contrary to how it may feel, we are not captives of our thoughts. Taking control of our minds and creating more happiness and more self-love absolutely alters the trajectory of our lives because our behavior will be different. We will move through the world in a different way. Professor Barbara L. Fredrickson, a well-known researcher of positive thinking, published a noteworthy paper corroborating these very ideas. Coming from a place with more self-love, the people we interact with sense that we are steadier, more at ease and more self-assured, which affects their behavior towards us.

So, if you are a Creative and you are having a hard time, or if you are feeling shaky in the confidence and self-love department, maybe a few hypnotherapy sessions are in order. I know it can be hard to reach out for help, but you were brave enough to make your career something you love, so enjoy it as much as you can! We are all meant to learn and evolve, so let’s do that and have some fun while we’re at it.