How Children Behave Tribally Within a Family

We are part of a culture who, for better or worse, is hard-wired to behave tribally.

Even though we navigate through a world of internet, electric cars and incredible scientific advancement, we do so “with the ingrained mentality of Stone Age hunter-gatherers,” as stated in this fascinating article delving into the topic of evolutionary psychology in the Harvard Business Review. Not that there aren’t few exceptions, the article explains, but it is worth exploring why human beings have so many similar patterns that seem universal.

Children need to feel like they are a useful part of their present-day tribe, i.e. their family. In the Stone Age, if you weren’t loved and accepted by your tribe, it meant, quite literally, that you were going to die. You needed to be part of a tribe to survive.

Today, in our modern world, this is still hard-wired into our minds. If a child isn’t feeling like they are an accepted part of the family, their tribal mind subconsciously comes up with ways in which to feel more included and loved. Here are 4 ways that children can behave to feel like an important part of their family:

1.     Be brilliant – at anything.

The tribe values someone that is the fastest at catching fish, or really good at building huts, etc. The subconscious belief is, “if I am amazing at something, I will be appreciated and loved.” These are the people who can become perfectionists later in life. They can also become workaholics; they are always needed at work, always on their phones with work, because that is the circumstance they have created for themselves and it’s how they feel significant like they matter.

 2.     Be a Carer. 

The tribe is very appreciative of the kids that are helping them take care of things. The children who make themselves useful by taking care of the younger kids, helping to keep the house tidy, etc. have the subconscious belief that “I am important and needed because I am helping to look after things.” As adults, these are the people who choose to become nurses and therapists, etc. They must be wary of burnout, because they are givers and can have trouble asking for help or allowing themselves to receive.

 3.     Be a nuisance.

This is the child who is banging on a table and disrupting a meal. They are throwing things around the house and making lots of noise and taking control of the family. The subconscious belief is, “If I take the power away, I get attention, which means I am important.” This can become the adult who behaves the same way, barking orders, indeed pounding the table and taking power away from other people.

 4.     Get sick.

I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but the mind can decide to make the body sick. This doesn't happen consciously, but it can happen because the logic is if you are sick, you will be looked after, showing that you are noticed and important. The mind decides to create an illness because the subconscious belief is, “if I am sick, I get tended to, which means I am significant and loved.”

That may seem strange, but “medically unexplained symptoms are extremely common,” according to this article by the American Psychological Association, otherwise known as having symptoms that are psychosomatic, i.e. “caused or aggravated by a mental factor such as internal conflict or stress.”

So, for example, let's say a little boy is feeling less important after a new baby is born into the family. He sees his mom and dad showering all of this affection on the baby, so with his child mind, that has only been on the planet for a few years, he makes a subconscious decision that because he wants to feel more loved, eczema starts appearing on his skin.

Of course, this is not a decision made consciously and I am not suggesting that a child knows what eczema is and wants it, but eczema is a condition like that requires attention, like the application of a soothing lotion by a parent, which allows the little boy to feel loved and nurtured. Despite the best efforts of his parents to make sure he feels included and loved, he feels unimportant and one way his mind could try to fix that is by creating eczema.

This feeling of "I am not important" can extend into adulthood, which can be the underlying reason for people who are sick a lot or people with hypochondria: They are looking to be loved and nurtured.

These are the 4 ways children subconsciously choose to behave to feel like they are an important part of their family. Sometimes the parents have their roles too, which can be any of the aforementioned behaviors; it is also possible to take on more than one role. But all of these inclinations harken back to the days of tribal survival that is still hard-wired in our minds today. If children weren’t loved and accepted, they wouldn’t survive and that's how it feels today for kids.

What roles did you take on as a child, or even continue to take on today?

10 Natural Ways to Address Depression Naturally, Improving Self-Esteem

Depression can be a beast.

It is a complicated thing because when you are depressed, you tend to turn inward and isolate yourself, which strengthens the depression. Often there is that negative voice that has crept in and told you that no one cares or there isn’t anyone who understands you or you’re never going to come out of this. I know it feels like you’re paralyzed, but you’re not. There are things you can do.

To address depression, you have got to do the opposite of what you feel like doing. I know it may be difficult, but you just have to decide to take action, even if you don’t want to. Don’t wait to be motivated to do something, just decide to do it and notice how motivation follows.

Here are my tips, in no particular order:

1)   Go get a massage. Yes, you read that right! Human beings need touch. If you are feeling depressed, chances are you aren’t receiving enough human contact. Get a massage that suits your taste, whether it’s hot stone, Swedish, Thai or whatever, and just enjoy!

2)   Get some exercise. I know, but it’s one of those things you just have to decide to do. Whether it’s a brisk walk, a hike, Zoomba, spin class, solo weight lifting, yoga or a run, get moving! It’s a great way to lift the fog of depression when you get out there and commit to an hour of movement.

3)   Play some upbeat music. Throw on something that makes you smile or brings up feelings of joy! For example, I love 90’s/00’s hip hop because it reminds me of being wild and in my 20’s having a BLAST in NYC. Or I will play the soundtrack to Hamilton. Or Rent. Or Wicked. Or basically any other musical. You get the idea.

4)   Watch something funny or uplifting. I really am not a fan of romantic comedies, but I do LOVE Love Actually. I mean, who doesn’t?! Such a heartwarming movie. I also love Jamie Foxx’s old comedy special from back in the day. Or have you seen Game Night?! I just saw that recently and that was HILARIOUS. Pick something that will bring up good feelings and dive in.

5)   Get your diet together. Eat well and eat regularly, even if you aren’t hungry. Avoid caffeine and sugar. Eat lots of good oils. Like avocados, nuts, olives, or if you eat fish (I don’t), have some oily fish. Your mind consistently needs good fats to function properly. Have that awareness when choosing your snacks and meals.

6)   Do something you love! Do a Paint Night, take a cooking class, go to karaoke, take a day trip, go horseback riding, go see live music, whatever! Do something you used to love to do but haven’t done in a while, or maybe that you have always wanted to try. Be brave and commit to doing something fun and just for you.

7)   Volunteer. It just feels good to help others out. Mentor kids, take care of animals in your local shelter, help feed people who are sick or homeless, volunteer with veterans, anything that feeds your human inclination to connect and help. It’s in there!

8)   Get your vitamins. A lack of vitamin D, vitamins B6, B3, B12 or Omega 3 can be underlying factors in depression, so if you aren’t getting them in your daily regimen, then add these supplements to your diet.

9)   Invite someone over for dinner. Cook someone a meal. Or order some food out and have a guest over to enjoy a meal and maybe a board game or something. Set up a little activity, like cards or a project of some kind. I had friends over to make sushi together with this sushi kit I received as a gift. Or maybe have a tarot card reader over or something. Just have company over that you can provide a nice evening for, if that is something you would like to do!

10)  Hypnotherapy. A well-trained clinical hypnotherapist can help you rewire those negative thought patterns and help you re-frame your perspective so that things don’t seem so hopeless.

Try any or all of these suggestions and be open to the idea that things can be different. I know it may be difficult but you have nothing to lose!

Remember, depression doesn’t make you negative, being negative and harshly critical about yourself on a regular basis makes you depressed. So, look for the beauty around you. Look to the future. Understand that these heavy feelings are not permanent and will not last, even if that seems totally implausible at the moment.

There is a way into a lighter, more enjoyable life, so let's find it!

Five Things You Can Do to Have a Better Day

As I sit in my favorite Starbucks listening to a Spotify playlist, sipping on a hot green tea matcha latte with almond milk (my favorite), I ponder this week’s blog topic. All of my blogs have to do with shifting your mindset to be happier, and this week I shall focus on a few simple things to do each day that require very little effort.

Let’s face it. There are times when we find ourselves in a bit of an “everything sucks” funk. We get kind of moody, short-tempered and start feeling overall negatively about things. We have overblown reactions to minor frustrations because everything just feels irritating. Sound familiar? Not only does it not feel very good, but sometimes it leads to us snapping at people who don’t deserve it, laying on the horn a little too much in traffic, or eating something “comforting” that we later wind up feeling gross about. The funk can go on for hours, days, weeks, months or longer, which at some point it would transition from “funk” to an actual medical illness, according to the American Psychiatric Association.

It’s really not good.

First of all, our health suffers when we stay in a negative state of mind for too long. I am not saying we are all supposed to walk around like robots with no swaying of human emotions, but when we let a pessimistic mood take over for too long, our bodies respond negatively. Negative attitudes lead to chronic stress, which upsets the body’s hormone balance thereby depleting the brain chemicals that are required for happiness and damaging the immune system, according to research compiled here by Karen Lawson, MD.

Chronic stress actually shortens our lives.

Second of all, we are at a total disadvantage when we are in a negative state. We tend to look inward when we are being negative, and we miss out on beauty that is all around us.

~INTERJECTION~

Ok, you guys! I am taking a moment in the middle of my blog because as I was writing this sentence, a song started playing on this Spotify playlist called “’Til There Was You” by the Beatles. It’s from their album With the Beatles from 1963, have you ever heard this song?? I have definitely NOT heard this but I just realized that the lyrics Paul McCartney is singing are totally corresponding with the point I am currently making! HA! COINCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT!!

It is going right along with what I am trying to say. Here are some of the lyrics:

There were bells on a hill
But I never heard them ringing
No, I never heard them at all
Till there was you

There were birds in the sky
But I never saw them winging
No, I never saw them at all
Till there was you

I love that this happened. Here is a link to it on Spotify. He’s making the point that he only noticed the beauty around him because this woman improved his mood! It’s actually a really cute little song. (You don’t have to be madly in love to notice the beauty around you, by the way. You just need to improve your mood.)

Ok, back to my regularly scheduled blog.

A third detriment to walking around with a negative mindset is that we are less resilient in times of crisis. If we are so busy reacting badly to small frustrations, when something bad actually happens, we can’t handle it as well because a persistently negative mind is easier to breakdown. When we are in the habit of having a more positive and optimistic mind, things happen and we can experience hard times and have tough emotions and not fall apart, because part of having that mindset is the understanding that hard times really do lead to gaining knowledge and experience that will ultimately make us stronger.

So, here are a few tips I encourage my clients to do to help them begin to move through the world in a more positive way:

1.    Be kind. It is part of the human spirit to feel good when we help others. I make a point of volunteering every other week, whether it is preparing food for people who are too sick to leave their homes, volunteering as a mentor for kids, giving blood, or at the local animal shelter helping with adoptions or walking dogs or just sitting with sick animals. It feels good to offer love to people and animals who really need it.

2.    Be grateful. There is always something to be thankful for; even the simplest things are so easy to take for granted. In the morning, when you take a shower, just realize how lucky you are to be able to adjust the temperature of the water to be exactly how you like it. Notice how good it smells in there because of the body wash and the shampoo. You have a few moments to yourself to just let that warm water and soap get you nice and clean. And then, you get to dry off with a clean, fluffy towel! Right there, you are off to an amazing start to your day. So many people don’t get to have ANY of that. So, in your next shower, take a deep breath and whisper “thank you” for such an awesome gift.

3.    Say something nice to yourself whenever you can. Honestly, I get out of the shower and look in the mirror and I say, “Girl, you are looking SO CUTE today!! Look at those curls, they are ON POINT!!” It makes me laugh and I feel great when I do it. Try it!

4.    Breathe. I cannot overstate how important breath is. Like, deep breaths. When I work with clients who are ready to stop smoking, they always say (as I did when I smoked), that cigarettes relax them. What they don’t realize is that when they smoke is the only time they take a deep breath all day! Just taking a few deep breaths will allow you to relax, especially if you inhale deeply and think “inhaling peace,” and then exhale slowly and think, “exhaling tension.

5.    Focus on what’s important. You know, “don’t sweat the small stuff,” as the wonderful book written by Richard Carlson states. What you focus on perpetuates. If you want to feel better, focus on things that make you feel good. Focus on what you do well, focus on the people that love you, focus on how beautiful the moon looks. Look for something beautiful any time it occurs to you.

Many studies have concluded that people who make a habit of thinking in more positive and optimistic ways are healthier, happier and have longer lives. So, give these 5 tips a try and let me now how it goes! I love feedback!

Hypnotherapy To Change Your Thoughts and Change Your Life

One thing is abundantly clear to me as a hypnotherapist: the mind is the most powerful asset we have. Though it may not seem like it, we are actively thinking in each moment, subconsciously deciding how to feel about what is happening around us. How we choose to use our minds helps us or hurts us, depending on how we interpret the various situations we are in.

Our minds communicate our thoughts, which indicate our beliefs, and our beliefs determine our behavior: whether we have creative blocks, how much confidence we have in who we are and what we have to offer, how we operate, etc.

When my artistic clients book hypnotherapy sessions with me because they are struggling, one thing that always comes up is negative thinking. Whether I am working with an actor, a writer, a director, comedian, dancer or musician, there is a judgmental inner-voice that is overly critical of so much that they say and do. It is such personal work when you are a creative person operating in a business because you and your work will be judged and it is hard not to equate what other people think to your value. It can really knock your self-confidence for a loop, even if your work is well received because if your state of mind hinges on other's opinions of you or your work, it can create anxiety and negativity in your mind.

When your mind is regularly generating anxious or negative thoughts, so too, then, are our lives inundated by anxiety and negativity. Having these kinds of thoughts comes from low self-esteem. Low self-esteem can lead to things like constantly having conflicts with people, feeling blocked, jealous, hopeless, jaded, overwhelmed, losing the sense of truth in your work, or just consistently struggling in your day-to-day. Working in a creative field is so much harder when your mind is operating in this way.

Can you think of an event in your life or career when you wished you had come from a place of calmness and confidence?? Yeah, so can I. Our happiness, success and relationships are significantly affected by our thinking. Negative thought patterns even make it difficult for us to enjoy the good things when they happen, because we are too focused on the things that aren't going the way we wish they would to enjoy other successes along the way. It sucks!

So, what can we do about this? Well, we need to create more self–compassion and self-love. We need to forgive ourselves for any real or imagined mistakes, release any grudges and we need to create an inner-voice that is supportive and more kind.

If we are kinder to ourselves, we are kinder to other people, then everybody is happier!

Hypnotherapy is a very effective way to do this.

When in hypnosis, it is similar to being in a meditative state. We can slow down our brain waves and quiet that endless chatter that is running through our minds every day. When the chatter is stilled, we can connect to the very best part of ourselves, our highest self. The root of the negative thinking is addressed with very specific language, called NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), which leads us to a new, empowered understanding of who we are and what our worth is, thereby establishing that kinder inner-voice. Our minds can be re-wired to interpret past and present events in a more confident way, contributing to a more positive mind, leading to feeling a sense of a flow in our lives and in our work.

Contrary to how it may feel, we are not captives of our thoughts. Taking control of our minds and creating more happiness and more self-love absolutely alters the trajectory of our lives because our behavior will be different. We will move through the world in a different way. Professor Barbara L. Fredrickson, a well-known researcher of positive thinking, published a noteworthy paper corroborating these very ideas. Coming from a place with more self-love, the people we interact with sense that we are steadier, more at ease and more self-assured, which affects their behavior towards us.

So, if you are a Creative and you are having a hard time, or if you are feeling shaky in the confidence and self-love department, maybe a few hypnotherapy sessions are in order. I know it can be hard to reach out for help, but you were brave enough to make your career something you love, so enjoy it as much as you can! We are all meant to learn and evolve, so let’s do that and have some fun while we’re at it.