FIVE THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU ARE FEELING SMALL

The inspiration for my blog this month comes from an Instagram post.

There is a woman who writes inspiring quotes in chalk on various LA sidewalks and then posts them under the handle @sidewalkwoke. When I catch one that really resonates, I repost it. She wrote one the other day that I just love. Written in yellow chalk in clear bold letters on Santa Monica and Highland, she proclaimed: “I hope you know that you matter.”

What a quote, no?? It is something I say to every one of my clients in my hypnotherapy sessions so they can really take that in. When in hypnosis, we are much better able to take in positive suggestions and empowering ideas. Not only do I say it to my clients, but I have said it to myself in my own self-hypnosis sessions.

First of all, DO you know that you matter?? It is not difficult to get to the place where you feel… inconsequential. It is a pretty crappy feeling, we have definitely all been there: when you’ve worked so hard and it seems like no one is noticing; when you feel rejected; when you feel like you aren’t being seen or heard, or maybe when someone important has forgotten your birthday, etcetera.

The question is, what do you do when you feel like that? Do you get upset? Bury it in a couple glasses of wine? Tell yourself that you suck? All of the above??

How's that working for you?

My assertion here is that if you make a habit out of responding to these kinds of situations in different ways, you will find that you will spend less time feeling insignificant.

So, here are a few things that you can do when you have marinated long enough in your feelings of being not enough:

1. Close your eyes and take a few nice, deep breaths. (Chances are, you haven’t been doing that.) What I like to do is imagine I am inhaling a very steadying, peaceful color or light and exhaling a darkness. I love a golden, sunflower yellow. For me, that is a very calming color. Maybe for you it’s turquoise or lavender. Whatever it is, close your eyes and breathe in your peaceful color deeply through your nose and imagine it filling you up, hold it at the top for a moment, and then exhale through your lips, and imagine any crappy feelings being exhaled as a grey or black smoke. Do that 3 times, and notice that you feel better.

2. Don’t take it personally. While your eyes are still closed, get a picture in your mind of yourself as tiny baby. Look at that baby, who is so beautiful and so worthwhile. Recognize that your worth as that baby has not changed since the day you were born. Whatever anyone has done that has you feeling unimportant, know that is has literally nothing to do with you. Your worthiness is as high as it has always been.

3. Get a hug from someone and let it in. Make it last at least 45 seconds. It can also be a child or a pet. Seriously, this totally works.

4. Think of what your grandmother would say to you in that moment. Or anyone who is kind and who loves you. Lean into that.

5. My favorite one: Take control of your thoughts and allow your mind to be encouraging. Whatever you wish that person had said to you, say it to yourself. The most important words you will ever hear are the words you say to yourself. If you need reassurance, validation or acceptance, get it from you. Be kind to yourself in those moments, that is the most powerful thing you can do because it will build your self-esteem so that you can grow instead of wither. Tell yourself you did a great job. Tell yourself you are beautiful and charming and smart and funny. Tell yourself that you have purpose here and everything is going to be all right.

And tell yourself that you matter. Because you do.

Think Like A Baby To Regain Your Self-Esteem

When we have low self-esteem or low confidence, it is because we have forgotten who we really are.

Picture this:

A newborn baby girl has a dirty diaper at 3 in the morning. She is uncomfortable, so she cries her loudest until someone comes to help her to feel comfortable again. She isn’t wondering whether or not she is worthy of someone getting up at 3am to come and take care of her, she intrinsically knows she’s worth it and it doesn’t occur to her to question it.

If you think about it, babies get cooed at and tickled and fawned over by people and they just soak it up. They don’t feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. They stare right back. They don’t wonder why these insidious people are looking at them and what they really want. Babies just lap it up! Why? Because nothing has ever happened that has told them they don’t deserve the admiration and attention.

However, as time goes on, we begin experiencing the difficulties of growing up and figuring out this thing called Life. We started out as a beautiful, innocent, confident creature and then at some point, we were exposed to people and behaviors that left us feeling diminished, disheartened and scared. Maybe it came from our parents, or a sibling, a teacher, friends or a bully at school, but for most of us, someone at some point planted our first seeds of self-doubt and unworthiness, which led to most of us having to contend with that negative voice in our heads that says things like, “You’re never going to make it,” or “You’re an idiot,” or “How could you say something so stupid?” or “You suck,” etcetera. And speaking to ourselves this way can become a habit, which leads to many of us feeling bad about ourselves in some way.

Most parents don’t wake up in the morning wanting to screw up their kids, but nonetheless, when we are not given the proper love and attention we need growing up, we are more likely to become adults with anxiety or depression, addiction problems or even suicidal feelings, according to Darcia Narvaez, Ph.D.

So, what are we supposed to do to feel better, you may be wondering? We can’t go back to the way we were as babies, obviously.

Actually, that is not altogether true. Much in the same way that trauma can be stored in the body, our minds and bodies have also stored what it is to be confident and have high self-esteem. Deep within our subconscious, we remember how to feel good about ourselves. It’s actually in our original coding, therefore, what we believed about ourselves as babies is still true. Our worthiness has remained in tact, whether we realize it or not.

What you believed about yourself as a baby is still true. Your worthiness has remained the same, whether you realize it or not.

Pull up a picture in your mind of yourself as a baby: innocent, beautiful and confident. In reality, you are absolutely the same gorgeous soul you were when you were born, before you had the harsh life experiences that caused you to question your significance in this world.

So, the next time you start talking to yourself with that hurtful and discouraging voice, have compassion for yourself and remember who you are. Just because that voice says something, doesn’t make it true. It comes from beliefs you picked up along the way when you were growing up. It's ok that you are aren’t perfect. Who you are, flaws and all, is your strength. Decide to have a compassionate inner voice. Reverse anything discouraging that it says to you. Be kind to yourself.

We are all born with an innate sense of self-worth and confidence. Don’t forget who you are.

Think like a baby.